What temperature should be used to bake chicken thighs? Michael googled on the first night Lisa had officially moved out. He told himself this was a good thing, that he was now being forced to learn how to take care of himself in ways he never had to before.
He was alone in his house, the house he bought, the house that he worked hard for, the house that was his. He texted the group chat he had with his two friends, Danny and Hannah, and he told them to come over.
I’ll make martinis, he wrote.
I’ve been sober for five years, remember? Danny wrote back.
Yes, but one of these days you’re going to change your mind, Michael texted back.
Danny was in every Anonymous group; AA, NA, SLAA.
“Everything could be turned into an addiction,” he once said to Michael, “you gotta be careful.”
“Abstaining from anything that could be an addiction doesn’t really fix it, does it?” Michael had responded. This resulted in a dialogue about the nature of addictions/attachments. Some parts of that dialogue are transcribed below:
Michael: Instead of abstaining, shouldn’t it be better to change your relationship to the thing? Relationships to things can be changed, and to believe them to be a constant is a bit ignorant, no? When you abstain you’re just keeping the object of your addiction at bay. The addiction itself does not change in size or value. Instead, you have to tackle the nature of the attachment or the associations the mind makes in regards to the addiction object. Changing these associations should be the point, changing the pattern in the mind, its history.
Danny: But in order to do that you need time away. To forget.
Michael: My problem with these groups is that you’re basically working with absolutes. You’re saying you’re never going to drink again, for example. You’ve put it out of your mind but the relationship to it remains the same.
Danny: Who said I’ve put it out of my mind?
Michael: Well, maybe not you but most people who belong to these “anonymous” groups.
Danny: No addict has forgotten the object of their addiction, Michael, that’s a bit ignorant no? Listen, the problem is you don’t understand the importance of becoming small.
Michael: Becoming small?
Danny: It’s the submission, the powerlessness, the resignation. This is what we confront when we go to AA meetings and such. This is important. It’s not really what you’re addicted to…
Michael: Exactly! That’s what I’m saying.
Danny: No, let me finish. It’s not really what you’re addicted to and the relationship to the thing is not the point either…not really, because if I have a certain void inside me, a certain gap, and I fill it with addictions and then if I change my relationship to booze then that gap will still remain and it will have to be filled with something else.
Michael: I understand but shouldn’t we try to change the nature of these addictions?
Danny: You’re looking at it from a superior POV, while I’m seeing it from an inferior one. I’m saying I am powerless in the face of addictions and the only way I can be free is through submitting to a higher power.
Michael: So you’re talking about God.
Danny: Yes I guess I am.
Michael: I think a person can overcome their attachments or addictions or whatever alone, I don’t think you need a higher power.
Michael had a feeling that his fixation on the concept of “uncondition” was related to whatever he and Danny were talking about but this feeling did not result in any coherent thought he could communicate to Danny, so the conversation ended on that note.
Anahida still hadn’t texted him back but Michael was hopeful.
When he brought this up to his friends, at his house, over two martinis and a diet coke his friends looked at each other sharing a recognition of some kind.
“What?” Michael asked.
“You didn’t even like Anahida,” Hannah said.
“What do you mean?! I was obsessed with her!” Michael replied.
“Yeah an obsession that was very obviously centered around yourself and your feelings of lack, especially around like money and stuff,” Hannah explained.
“You complained that she was too spoiled, which is funny considering…” Danny chimed in.
Michael was going to respond with “considering what?” but he knew what Danny meant. Michael knew what Danny thought of him, he thought that Michael was creating problems for himself, that Michael was bored with his good life and in order to create some excitement he contrived twists and turns-- while Danny believed himself to be born into twists and turns and therefore submission was the only way out of it. This is why at the end of their dialogue about addictions and attachments, Michael did not understand the idea of resignation.
“She left me for some real-estate developer,” Michael cried.
“She moved on with a real-estate developer, after you treated her very badly. I liked Anahida actually, though she’s disappeared from the face of the earth lately. She’s not even on Instagram anymore,” Hannah said.
“All you did was complain about her. Do you not remember?” Danny asked.
“No,” Michael said, earnestly.
“You are different from who you believe yourself to be, to know this is forgiveness.” Danny said.
“In a few years, you’ll probably place Lisa at the center of your desires, or think of her as the one that got away, it’s funny, you do this a lot. With jobs too, you’ll complain about it when it’s happening like it will be the center of all your unhappiness and the second it’s done and you have some distance from it, suddenly it was the happiest time of your life, I mean I know that it’s sort of human nature but you take it to a whole other level,” Hannah said.
“Okay, well, maybe I want to find something that I can’t destroy even if I tried,” was Michael’s response.
“It sounds like you want to be powerless in the face of something greater than yourself,” Danny said.
It seemed like Michael was in a moment in his life where even his best friends were tired of his shit.
That night, after Danny and Hannah had gone home, Michael finally received a text from Anahida.
Michael, it’s so good to hear from you. Sorry for the delayed response, I am just now checking my phone. I’d love to catch up. Do you have time to grab coffee or a drink soon? If so, please respond soon as I will be away from my phone again for another two weeks.
Michael was elated.
Yes, tomorrow?
Sounds good. How’s The Swan Room at 8p?
Perfect.
See you then.